Words to live by: Winston Churchill version

Here are some inspiring words to live by from one of the greatest orators ever, Sir Winston Churchill.

1. Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.
2. Success is not final, failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts.
3. If you're going through hell, keep going.
4. History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
5. Never, never, never give up.
6. A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty.
7. You have enemies? Good. It means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
8. I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.
9. When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber.
10. The price of greatness is responsibility.
11. Out of intense complexities, intense simplicities emerge.
12. I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat.
13. The empires of the future are the empires of the mind.
14. Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; it's also what it takes to sit down and listen.
15. Continuous effort--not strength or intelligence--is the key to unlocking potential.
16. Success is the ability to go from one failure to another without no loss of enthusiasm.
17. To improve is to change. To be perfect is to change often.
18. There is no time for ease and comfort. It is time to dare and endure.
19. Difficulties mastered are opportunities won.
20. I never worry about action, only inaction.

Analysis: Why installing a microwave oven with Jennifer turned out to be a very good day!

Take it from me, installing on of these things

is not an easy thing to do by any stretch! But recently, Jennifer and I were able to do just that while not only not fighting or even getting on each other's nerves, but thriving instead. How we were able to do it? What did I do differently this time that made the project go so smoothly as opposed to the other times when things have gone very wrong and been very tense? Let's examine.

1. Preparation is a key: This was Jennifer's idea so I can't take the credit for thinking of it but I can certainly take the credit for doing it! Jennifer was nice enough to print out a copy of the manual for me to read the night before we installed the oven and even though it didn't help me much from a technical standpoint as far as learning things goes, it did help to get a little more familiar with the process of installing the oven as a whole. It goes back to the old saying--knowledge is power. By reading the appropriate parts of the manual (the ones the most involved me such as actually lifting the oven into place) I was able to better expect how things would actually work on installation day. It wasn't all new to me and I didn't have to ask a lot of needless questions. I was more prepared than I have been with previous projects and I was able to do a good job and be a good teammate as a result.

2. Stay calm: Step No. 1 helped in this too but I was able to stay calm throughout the project. Not that it was completely easy; there were some things that Jennifer did (cleaning-related things) that I felt was unnecessary but I was able to just do my deep-breathing work and stay focused on the task at hand. It also helped me to remind myself that even though some of the things Jennifer felt were necessary to do I didn't agree with, they were important to her. I was successful in staying calm and not making a big deal about anything I didn't disagree. And by staying calm, that allowed me to stay focused until the very end of the job and even be able to make some jokes about it which I think Jennifer appreciated.

3. Listen and don't talk so much: Again, No. 1 helped with this because I was pretty prepared and didn't have to answer a lot of questions. But I am also learning that in stressful condo situations I have to walk a fine line between being involved and alert and not asking too many (seemingly) dumb questions (I say seemingly because--depending on where Jennifer is at the moment that can be seen as dumb even if they actually aren't). In this project, I definitely had my listening ears on and was able to take instructions and carry out my part of the project (this included three trips to Lowe's in order to buy more parts, tools, etc). By listening more and talking less I was able to be a good teammate and help carry out my end of the project, which is actually a philosophy that well probably serve me very well in our relationship going forward.

4. Be supportive, positive and upbeat: This is one thing I was able to do very well! High-five for me! By listening and staying really tuned in all day long, I was able to know when was the right time to be supportive, when was the right time to offer advice and when was the right time to offer up a laugh or a joke to help level out some of the tension. I was able to do this because I was so plugged in and attentive all day and I was able to do THAT because ...

5. Remember, it's not about you!: It's amazing how much different I performed on this project because I remembered that it's not about me. Yes it was hard and yes there moments (thankfully only fleeting ones) where I did start to edge toward this old, destructive bad behavior. As I mentioned before, I didn't agree with every precaution Jennifer took or did I feel like everything she did was totally necessary. But guess what? As an adult, I don't have too. What I do have to do though is not to let it affect ME negatively. I can't personalize things on these projects; I am working very hard to accept the Jennifer has a certain way of doing things and some of the things that she does are necessary for HER to get through the project successfully. Those things are about HER and whether she verbalizes it or not, I have to recognize that. I was able to do so on this project, to not feel sorry for myself and--as a result--was able to stay plugged and in supportive all day long.

Avoiding the persecution complex

H.L. Mencken once said: The central belief of every moron is that he is the victim of a mysterious conspiracy against his common rights and true deserts. He ascribes all his failure to get on in the world, all of his congenital incapacity and damfoolishness to the machinations of werewolves assembled in Wall Street, or some other such den of infamy.

Well, that's not as bad as what I have been going through the last few days but there are some similarities. To explain, I had worked very hard on a feature story for the Commercial Appeal about a young basketball player who has made a successful  career for himself as the point guard on a state championship-contending team despite losing his father to a drug-related murder back in 2007. I did a lot more than my normal "first take" work and put a lot of time and effort into both the interview process and the writing process.

So I was very dismayed to find out that the sports editor did not like my original submission and in fact didn't really have anything positive to say about it whatsoever. My initial reaction was to immediately take things into an unproductive place, with a good dose of feeling-sorry-for-myself-itis and "oh poor me." Thrown in for good measure.

I felt like I was being singled out, that I was being picked on, that the sports editor was using a different standard toe judge my work thane he was for others. Etc, etc. But--as always--the only person hurt by this line of thinking was me. And when I took a step back and looked at things objectively, I was able to see that.

He is not very much of a people person and his interpersonal skills are lacking in any kind of warmth or subtlety. This is one thing I have to remember; he doesn't know how to be diplomatic so any kind of criticism will undoubtedly sound more harsh than is intended. And I am sure he treats others the same way--in fact one of the other reporters has told me in the past that a lot of his stories get picked apart too. And lastly--and I think this is very important to remember in this particular case--I think he was bringing some of his own personal emotions to bare in the reading this story. His main point was objecting to my central point--that is the pain the player felt in losing his father will never go away (and since he told me as much, I believe it). But perhaps the sports editor's own relationship with his father wasn't the best and that's why it's hard for him to see the player's perspective. Regardless, I have to remember that (rightly or wrongly) someone's own personal experiences will come into play when reading a story of mine and that can and will cloud their perspective.

So what have I learned from this? No. 1, not to take things so personally. Because of my past, this is always going to be a hard thing to do, especially if the criticism isn't softened with some kind of positive message. But in the business that I am--where you are often putting yourself "out there" in a creative sense, it's impossible to avoid criticism. I have to let it roll off my back like this guy does:

Secondly, I have to remember that people are always going to bring their own experiences into a situation. That's almost certainly what happened here because when I re-did the story and made it less "dramatic" it was published without question or comment. So, knowing that people are going to be biased and their biases will show from time-to-time will make it easier for me in the long run.

Third, I have to remember that--whether being criticized or not--I am a good writer!! Enough people have told me (not including Jennifer or those who are related to me) that I know this to be so. I am smart and clever and have a natural talent for explaining things and making things clearer. And I have forgotten more about sports than most people know. So I just need to remember this things, stay unruffled like my friend above and do what's best.

The boss is always right. Even when he's wrong.

Words to live by

"Sometimes something has to happen before something happens."--Johan Cruyff

Two more points to note about feeling sorry for myself

As if the previous post doesn't outline enough reasons why feeling sorry for myself is a terrible and wasteful thing to do, here is another byproduct.

Frequently--and this has happened most often when dealing with my weight--I have gotten into a "feeling sorry for myself" funk and I then took out my negative feelings on Jennifer. This is something that will change. Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed. This is my mantra and something that I will recite to myself if I ever start getting into that place of mind. Jennifer has always helped in whatever I have asked to do and has always been very encouraging about anything I have wanted to attempt, diet-wise, exercise-wise, whatever. So, remember the mantra.

Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.
Jennifer is not the cause for my weight gain and therefore is not to be blamed.

As if this wasn't enough reinforcement for my mantra, here's another key point to remember when feeling sorry about myself in regards to my weight. I have the power to do better, to make better decisions and to be a winner today. If I want to feel better and feel like I'm accomplishing something, then what better way to do that then not bingeing, not cheating, doing some good physical exercise? This things will all help me to feel like a winner. It's going to be a long battle to get the weight off, but if I can win the day (small victories one day at a time) then I will eventually get to where I am going. Remember, I want to feel like this:

And not like this:

This best way to do this is to do the right things that will ensure me of being a winner each and every day!

Problem: What to do when I feel sorry myself

Problem: Feeling sorry for myself
How often does this occur: Very
Where does this come from: It comes from within me, often times the feelings of feeling sorry for myself can be traced right back to the time when I was a child and I didn't get the things I needed (emotionally) from my mom. Nothing in the present should be causing me to feel sorry for mself.
Why is this a problem: For two main reasons. 1) Many times I find myself feeling sorry for myself when Jennifer is pointing out my bad behavior. This is a problem because when I feel sorry for myself I start to tear up and this does two things. Often, Jennifer has to ask what's wrong with me and this causes her to work hard at a time when she is already stressed. And also, when I do this it takes all the attention from her and shifts it to me and we have to spend time making me feel better instead of making her feel better, which we should be doing since it was my bad behavior that got things going in the first place. Nothing good can come from this situation; Jennifer only gets more triggered and upset, frequently I start babbling and not listening and not helping and many times things quickly spiral. All this can be avoided by not feeling sorry for myself in the first place.

2) Since I suffer from obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, I often freeze up to the point of inactivity and don't "do" anything when I am feeling sorry for myself. I am not spurred to any action. Today for example, as I am creating this post I am not feeling sorry for myself and thus am able to get some good work done. But if I was feeling sorry myself, I would very likely not be doing anything productive. Or I would be over-eating which is another issue that I'll be dealing with in detail here. So--in order to actually be in the productive "Rhino" mindset of doing something, I can't be feeling sorry for myselt.

How to cope: Although this is an ongoing problem, I picked it to be the first post (a sort of test-run) because I have found some pretty decent success in the past few weeks with visualization. Paticularly this.

By visualizing this stop sign, it allows me to quickly head off the "feeling sorry for myself" mentality and re-focus on Jennifer and her issues, which is key. If I am focused and calm even when Jennifer is upset, I can be the good partner I want to be and we can more quickly work through the issue--which is what both of us want!

So, when feeling sorry for myself, just remember:

If I disregard the stop sign, I will end up like this fellow. Don't be like him!

Introduction: Why I am here

This blog is going to be a one-stop umbrella for me to learn better coping skills with the many problems that have been going on since I have been married.

In these pages, I will be writing about my issues and doing and learning new ways to deal with them. The issues are many and instead of having notes strewn about in many different places like I do now, I will use this blog as a place to centralize everything.

Also, I will try to harness "The Power of the Rhino." Rhinos are strong and powerful; they know where they are going and how to get there and this is how I would one day like to see myself. They don't let themselves get paralyzed by indecision and rhinos certainly never look like "deer in headlights." Rhinos are brave and tough and also can be depended upon at all times.

So, the goal here is to change my thinking and get into a place where I am problem-solving instead of just talking. With this blog as my guide (a manual for my self improvement) I hope to achieve some very big changes in the coming months and years.

Remember "The Power of the Rhino!"